Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Backstory, Lots of God, Now-story, Update, Trust without Borders.

So the other day, Brian was like "You haven't blogged in a long time. A VERY long time. I liked reading those. Your blog is still saved as a bookmark you know". Hint. Hint. :)

He's right. I haven't. Hadn't even thought about it, to be honest.

Maybe it's time to restart.

I decided to try it on for size and see how it goes :).

This is a good time to re-visit the blog world as I think that I have some stuff to say that is worthwhile.

So once upon a time I had a sweet, beautiful relationship with God. I was in a world where the pursuit of Christ was everywhere, surrounding me, I was immersed in delicious worship, deep covenant friendships and a model of doing life together, chasing God together, throwing yourself entirely into Him. This was a beyond-words amazing place and I am eternally grateful and thankful that I was able to be there and experience that. I think that was important for many reasons, now in hindsight. A key reason that I can identify from this side of thins is that I know what is possible. I know what a deep, daily, intimate, communicative walk with Christ looks and feels like.

Then we moved. Out of that world. And it broke my heart. For a while I searched and searched for a similar model here in the Dallas area, and there was nothing to be found. I felt lonely, betrayed and dry.  i was so sad, because regardless of how much I tried, I could not get to that place that I was once in that felt so healthy and alive. In Dallas, as in much of the world and in everyone in some respect, there is the tendency to have religion, God, Christianity, be an accessory to your life. You are central, the world and universe of your life revolves around you and one of those orbiting planets is God. [Insert loud, obnoxious buzzer sound here]. This is not how it is supposed to work!

But without realizing it, I slowly drifted into this pattern. Oh, I still loved Jesus, in fact every once in a while my heart would ache and I would feel such a sense of missing that relationship that I would be very faithful for a few days with Bible reading and praying, just to get into a routine again and forget. I have loved Him for mostly all my life and have sincerely followed hard after him for many years, so my heart and my head knows a lot of right answers. A lot of biblical wisdom and truth, but my heart felt so neutral. So numb.

I have, on many little short occasions in which I was trying to be better, prayed for my sweet husband and his relationship with God and very clearly I would hear the answer "You know what chasing me looks like. You model what following hard after Me looks like. He needs to see that". I would try, but my mind would be filled with thoughts that centered around me, and, now I realize, that I was still keeping me in the center.

I don't know why we are allowed to go through the seasons that we are, but we are. This has been a DRY DRY DRY DRY season. One that initially I was still very faithful in, but as time has gone by I have felt, at least spiritually, that I have been just existing. So lifeless.

And then a few weeks ago (about 3?), it's like a shell that was over my heart and the eyes of my heart was cracked and opened and my heart broke at how idolatrous I had become and at the state of my relationship with my sweet Father in Heaven. The timing is nothing but divine, because the Village started preaching through a series called Recovering Redemption the next Sunday. I haven't been excited about going to church in a long time, but I was excited and then got there and was very impacted by the timing of all this. One of those things that you just know is a God thing.

And I feel so immensely grateful for the faithfulness, for the mercy, that allowed my eyes to be opened to the condition of my heart, to the Holy Spirit who broke that shell and flooded my heart, bringing me to tears and driving my heart to repentance. I have realized over the past couple of weeks, as I find myself praying all the time that God would please allow me to keep this sight, keep my heart remembering the season of spiritual loneliness and to submit my heart and keep Christ central to my life and to everything.

I am just so blown away by the grace and by the timing. I have picked up Max Lucado books for Brian for the past few years and he would start them and then lose interest. We are now reading through one together, but separately, and having such good conversations about what is going on with Brian's heart through the chapters. I am reading Knowing God by J. I. Packer and am being inspired and amazed that I haven't read this before. We are being faithful and committed to our homegroup and meditating through this current study that is allowing me to work slowly through this change and not (please, God) have it be just a fleeting season. And all of this is fruit of and driven by the motivation of knowing and loving God and not, as previously, just bettering actions.

My heart will always lean towards wanting me to be in control (how silly that sounds), and doing works for works sake, but I am feeling so grateful for this reprieve and season that I am being allowed to train my heart to submit and surrender to God. To sit in His embrace. My heart declares the glory of God as my mind fills with the most beautiful sunsets and seascapes. He has reminded my heart of the sweet relationship that we once enjoyed, of the daily discussions and the communion that He desires with my heart (which continues to just blow my I love you).

I know that seasons change and this will not last forever, but should my amazing God grant me the mercy of working change in my heart and my soul such that this revival of my desire for an intimate walk with Him, such that it would permeate the seasons, oh how my soul longs to breathe like that...

I have much more to say, but don't want to get ridiculous here.

I guess that's good. I guess that means that the chances of an additional blog are high :)

Loves <3 nbsp="">

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